27.6.06


I laughed til I stopped: Here's the winner of 2006 Sonoma-Marin Fair World's Ugliest Dog Contest.

ARCHIE

Here’s Archie, my ugly dog. One thing I always hear is “What is that?” and “Are you sure?” whenever I tell people he’s a Chinese crested. I know when people think of Chinese crested dogs they think of the champions with flowing locks and lithe prancing bodies. Even Chinese crested owners are a little taken aback when they find out one of their precious babies could someday evolve into the hairless sausage I have at the end of my leash.

I was lured into taking Archie home when I worked for a local animal shelter. I thought it would be temporary, but when my husband saw Archie it was love at first sight. The shelter gave me $10 for keeping him.

Now when we go out my husband carries Archie in his arms like a baby. When we’re in the pet food store people often think we’re waiting to see the vet in hopes of curing some terrible dog disease. They offer up sympathies “Is it cancer? Will he be okay?” They seem offened when I tell them we’re here for some bacon strips.

In the winter we put a little sweater on him to keep him warm. One time a woman thought my husband was carrying a baby and came up to look at it. She screamed when she saw Archie. I laughed.

People aren’t sure how to pet Archie. With no hair he doesn’t offer up the proper tactile experience. They rub their hand down his back and then look at their palm to make sure a little ugly didn’t rub off and stick to it. I’ve seen a lot of hand sanitizer used when people think my back is turned.

Little kids tend to throw rocks at Archie. Strangers feel no shame looking casually at him and exclaiming “What an ugly dog.” So I figure he must have a shot.

Posted by Mara B at 10:41 AM | | Comments

21.6.06


Things I've enjoyed on teh internets recently:

A bit of sports media folklore: in a Scottsdale bar, at some undefined time in the mid-90s, a man was hitting on a woman wearing leather pants. He was quickly cockblocked, however, when ESPN anchor Chris Berman walked by and said to the woman, “You’re with me, leather.” She immediately got up and followed Berman out the door. The story was sent to ball-loving Deadspin and has since become a favorite Deadspin non-sequitor catchphrase. Hell, they even made a t-shirt for it, wildly popular amongst all the men who still collect baseball cards. Everyone was happy.
And then yesterday, everything changed. On MTV’s screaming-girl staple TRL, VJ Damien Fahey wore the “You’re with me, leather” shirt, noting that it was his favorite pick-up line.


Also, the most macabre USB stick ever. This Marie Antoinette of the under-5 set is creepy as all get out. I prefer the one shaped like a rubber duck. Or just print out your entire hard drive and carry it around. You will be a happy man.

Posted by Mara B at 4:30 PM | | Comments

20.6.06

Though I've just moved to a new city, I'm already restless. A lot of us who lived abroad find the hardest part of coming back isn't necessarily the sudden wealth of choices or the rat race standards of our hometowns. Rather, it's the flatness of life in a place where we know what to expect. Tony Bourdain is a good chef and a macho dude chef who travels the world. His show on the Food Network was sometimes off-puttingly masculine, but always awash in colour and throbbing with a pulse. Here's what he has to say:


"Something really happened to me in Vietnam. I think I instinctively knew it, and I think a lot of people around me knew it, but Asia ruined me for going back. Vietnam in particular ruined my whole life. My expectations for what I see when I open my eyes in the morning, or even little things like the condiments on the table when I sit down. That bar just went so high and so different that there was no going back.


There’s a passage in the Salman Rushdie book The Ground Beneath Her Feet that talks about people who don’t belong to any one place and have to keep moving, and reading it was like feeling, oh, I’m not the only one.


It was a sad moment. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life, but it was also a sad one. It was a selfish moment. I’ve talked elsewhere about there are times in your life… I’ll use the example of you’re standing alone in the desert, and you see the most incredible sunset you’ve ever seen and your first instinct is to turn to your left or right and say, “Wow, do you see that?” Okay, there’s no one there, what do you do? Next, where’s the camera? Look through the viewfinder and you realize you know, what you see through that little box is not what you’re experiencing. There comes this terrible moment when you realize well, this is for me. There is no sharing this."


I find it almost painful to go back over the photos from Japan, Thailand, and Shanghai. Not so for previous adventures. That Japan time was so amazing and fragile. My first real trip abroad was to Europe when I was 20. I backpacked around for endless months, half of the time by myself. And I learned everything about my character. How far I'm willing to take chances, how long I can walk before tiring, how many artifacts I can suck up into memory (hint: a damn lot. Keep me away from museums if you want to hang out).

So I guess what I'm feeling lately is a yearning to find somewhere I really want to live forever, or for a good long time. But I'll sample the urban buffet first.

Posted by Mara B at 4:43 PM | | Comments

13.6.06

Abbreviations on Parade and I'm the drum majorette

My work is a loving display of the All-Acronym Channel. And I cannot understand a damn thing anyone is saying. Just received a straight-faced request asking me to check with the ADM about the GOC's position on UNGASS w/r/t NNPO and then write a DEC about it. I just saluted and walked away. The first week on a job, for me, means laying low and learning the office culture. I'm trying not to seem incompetent. Which is hard.


The best part of my newfound employment is that I get to create web content for [censored] Minister and the International [censored]. Sadly, I can't say another word. Hope you're intrigued and not angry. Radio silence must commence about the job. It's going to be hard ignoring what I do for 8 hours a day. But I've taped my blogging hand to my face and you'll not hear another word about it.



For some reason I still love Ottawa. My bike path to work goes along the river! I swerve to avoid vehicularly homiciding Canada geese and their fuzzy little babies. I aim straight for the douches in their matching helmet, windbreaker, pantclip combo. It's not too hot yet. I've totally started yoga, brah. A bear cub was on the loose in the downtown this morning. Good tidings, all.

Posted by Mara B at 2:53 PM | | Comments

11.6.06


Ahoy hoy everyone,

Guess where I'm living now?!?!?!
I'll give you a small hint: it's our nation's capital. Situated on the banks of the Rideau Canal, it is home to suited politicians, lively immigrants, delicious farmer's markets, biligualism and... moi.

Suspenseful yes. Ok write down your answer and see if you're right.

Did you say Ottawa? You must be some kind of puzzle-solving idiot savant genius. Because that is where I have relocated.

I've never moved to a place within driveable distance of my home. So of course I overpacked like a mofo. Noah drove me from Toronto to Capital City on Wednesday. Sunny and shit hot, the town looked pretty awful from the highway. But once downtown and in my gorgeous new pad, it was all roses.

By 'gorgeous apartment' I of course mean foetid and shockingly decrepit DeathHaus. The house shudders whenever a truck rumbles by. It's exactly as studenty as I expected. But the roommate is delightful and rent is low.

What brought me to this pleasure town? The only thing keeping me from a life of petty crime - a job. My security clearance finally came through and I am now under the employ of her majesty's International Affairs Directorate. Much of what I do can't be discussed on the blog because it's sensitive info. You won't get me to divulge government secrets. But feel free to try bribery - in cookie or massage form, thanks.

So this is where I'm currently at. [parse that, Ms. Carrier!] More fun and frolic to follow.

Posted by Mara B at 5:56 PM | | Comments